Old habits

Yesterday had the dinner party. as I said. I did eat that egg after. LIKE A WOMAN POSSESSED. wtf? Anyway,"only" 120 cals... could be worse I guess.

I had planned to fast today... but again the potatoes. WTF is with me and potatoes?

I ate about 4 cups I think. I really need that kitchen scale. Supposed to be about 650 cals

Supposed to be.

I purged.

I never do that. I hate how it makes me feel. But I felt so full and uncomfortable that I didn't feel like I had a choice. I donno how much I really got up. At least one cup really. Maybe 2. I'm not going to take it off my fitday tho. Rather over estimate than under.

I feel like crap now tho :(

Chef Ally

920 cals today, I feel like I'm bursting. While I was eating I figured It was close to 2000, my mental view has become so skewed.

I like to cook, and I cook for my friends a lot. But then I have to eat it. Luckily I always take last (guests first!) and they pig out so fast that they're half done by the time I've tidied up, so no one would notice how little I'd take.

I'd love to have a kitchen scale. How to explain that tho? I don't bake... but I guess I do sometimes. I'm a little obsessed with knowing EXACTLY how much I'm eating. I'd actually go for larger calories, if it means knowing exactly how much (within reason of course).

Had a friend bail on a project we're working on, leaving me with way too much to do. Then had them get MAD AT ME for being upset with them! Blah. Oh well.

Anyway, I sit here as my Cadbury Cream Egg stares at me. The boy bought it for me...

The constant debate

Always cold, my body temp is low. Doc sent me for blood tests, but I don't think it'll give me away.

I haven't eaten today even tho I know I should. MUST. My metabolism is shot, even my binges aren't reaching 800. Really I need a 1800 day to shake this up. 1800! That's such a huge number, it terrifies me.

I can smell pizza? No idea why. No one is here, why is there pizza?

My soup is 90 cals. I can't even eat that. What's the point?

Welcome to my world

Won't you come on in?

The is a record of the life of Ally V. Names, places and unimportant details have been changed to protect the innocent. Mainly me.

I have Anorexia Nervosa, a deadly mental disorder. I've suffered for over 10 years, and as there is no cure, I will likely suffer the rest of my life. Sure I'll have times when things don't seem as bad, when I eat like a normal girl. But these are far and few between. Even when I feel like I'm over eating, I'm actually still eating less than I should, my brain doesn't see food like most people.

I've entered another relapse, and this is a view inside my decent into madness.