A girl's decent into madness

Blah

2009-02-07T05:02:00.000-08:00

bingy mcbinge binge, that's me. I might go drown myself in chocolate.

I hate my boyfriend sometimes. He knows I'm on a diet, but he throws all this chocolate my way. I had over 1000 calories in chocolate alone yesterday! And then another 700 in crescents. No wonder I'm a fat tub of shit.

Falling up

2009-02-06T08:51:00.001-08:00

Still on this binge cycle. There isn't enough food in this land to satisfy the hunger I feel. It's not physical hunger I know, infact all this food is making me feel beyond ill. Less healthy than starving myself for sure.

On the therapy front, I actually got switched from the girl who did my intake (she's not taking new clients). Apparently she didn't write down the ED stuff, so I just didn't mention it to the new girl. w00t for me. We'll be working mostly on career related issues, and my interpersonal skills.

... The bottle of Tylenol on my desk expires august of this year, how long have I had this bottle!

Hi!

2009-02-04T06:58:00.000-08:00

Wow! I have readers :D Hey guys! I'll try to keep posting.

There are two reasons I haven't posted.

1) I've been insanely busy this past week. Hell on earth more like it.
2) I've been ashamed. I've been so busy and so worried about not getting everything done that I've been eating SO FREAKING MUCH.

CW: 126.5 :(

My counciller figured out about my ED, but I'm going to divert that I think.

Also *sigh* major boyfriend issues. I don't love him anymore, and in any other situation I'd have been gone weeks ago. But we live together, and he's... unstable. It will be a huge scene if I even bring up that I want to leave.

I can't really afford rent on this place, but find another place with room for my stuff... ugh. A friend said he'd move with me - he's in a bachelor apt right now and wants to get out as well.

Am I fooling myself by staying?

To make matters worse, me and one of his friends have gotten really close. He's much more my type, we can talk for hours about a ton of subjects.

Ugh. I hate this shit.

Old habits

2009-01-25T15:09:00.000-08:00

Yesterday had the dinner party. as I said. I did eat that egg after. LIKE A WOMAN POSSESSED. wtf? Anyway,"only" 120 cals... could be worse I guess.

I had planned to fast today... but again the potatoes. WTF is with me and potatoes?

I ate about 4 cups I think. I really need that kitchen scale. Supposed to be about 650 cals

Supposed to be.

I purged.

I never do that. I hate how it makes me feel. But I felt so full and uncomfortable that I didn't feel like I had a choice. I donno how much I really got up. At least one cup really. Maybe 2. I'm not going to take it off my fitday tho. Rather over estimate than under.

I feel like crap now tho :(

Chef Ally

2009-01-24T16:26:00.000-08:00

920 cals today, I feel like I'm bursting. While I was eating I figured It was close to 2000, my mental view has become so skewed.

I like to cook, and I cook for my friends a lot. But then I have to eat it. Luckily I always take last (guests first!) and they pig out so fast that they're half done by the time I've tidied up, so no one would notice how little I'd take.

I'd love to have a kitchen scale. How to explain that tho? I don't bake... but I guess I do sometimes. I'm a little obsessed with knowing EXACTLY how much I'm eating. I'd actually go for larger calories, if it means knowing exactly how much (within reason of course).

Had a friend bail on a project we're working on, leaving me with way too much to do. Then had them get MAD AT ME for being upset with them! Blah. Oh well.

Anyway, I sit here as my Cadbury Cream Egg stares at me. The boy bought it for me...

The constant debate

2009-01-23T13:29:00.000-08:00

Always cold, my body temp is low. Doc sent me for blood tests, but I don't think it'll give me away.

I haven't eaten today even tho I know I should. MUST. My metabolism is shot, even my binges aren't reaching 800. Really I need a 1800 day to shake this up. 1800! That's such a huge number, it terrifies me.

I can smell pizza? No idea why. No one is here, why is there pizza?

My soup is 90 cals. I can't even eat that. What's the point?

Welcome to my world

2009-01-21T07:39:00.000-08:00

Won't you come on in?

The is a record of the life of Ally V. Names, places and unimportant details have been changed to protect the innocent. Mainly me.

I have Anorexia Nervosa, a deadly mental disorder. I've suffered for over 10 years, and as there is no cure, I will likely suffer the rest of my life. Sure I'll have times when things don't seem as bad, when I eat like a normal girl. But these are far and few between. Even when I feel like I'm over eating, I'm actually still eating less than I should, my brain doesn't see food like most people.

I've entered another relapse, and this is a view inside my decent into madness.